tekijä: Stupenda Grace päivä: 27. huhtikuuta 2009 kello 19:43
There's a lot to be thankful for in the midst of all this mess, and infinite insecurity, frailty, guilt, pain, anger, shame, confusion, judgment, condemnation, and self-crucifying thoughts, endless endless thoughts (where's the freaking switch?!) that I call life, or the present moment. Grace, grace is my name and there's a reason for that. I need to go to the river at times you know. Lay down my burdens down by the riverside, down by the riverside, down by the riverside, where Jesus listens to my blank silence and smiles at me through the eyes of a friend saying "it's ok... it's ok" - "I won't, I don't think you're crazy" - "why didn't you call?" - "woman, are you ok? let's meet!" - "ci vediamo per un caffè?" - "come stai?" - "anytime" - "here, have some Dutch tobacco, this banana will keep it moist" - "I'm happy for you, I remember your vision and I was there from the beginning and now look where this thing is going, I like this" - "do you feel like eating some more?" - "shall I make you the bed?" - "maybe we should use this money to pay for a shrink for our president so that we can continue singing next year" - "this is great" - "thank you" - "how are you feeling today?" - "I love you" - "come here" - "give me a hug" - "wake up!" - "Grazi, I feel like I'm walking alone! Are you listening to me??? What did I just say? Come on! What did I just say? You were looking in this direction and you didn't even see that I flipped the ice-cream balls! Where are you??? Stop thinking! S t o p t h i n k i n g!" - "You're too much for this world and that's why we match!" - "It's ok to follow your heart, don't feel stupid!"
Even God can't lift that weight if you're not able to forgive... yourself...
Sometimes it's ok to surrender and let them carry you, friends I mean, you need them, many of them! It would be too much for just one or two people in the condition you're in. But then you have to learn to take care of yourself. Virgos are thinkers they say, people with the tendency to live in denial, disconnected from their explosive and powerful emotions. They say it really takes someone special to see deeper and truly reach us, connecting it all again... I must have had a lot of special people around lately... This guy told me I looked like shit this morning and then bought me a croissant, he said I'm sorry, I didn't think you were really feeling that bad, and my friend wants to go jogging with me now. The cleaner said good morning and my colleague smiled hi even though she was pissed at who knows what. Then I got a promise, a precious promise: "I won't". That was good. Very good. Gave me peace.
Life happens all around and I'm realizing only now that I don't have enough strength to jump right back into it just yet; I might know what I want but I might also be deceiving myself... I guess I've been half-dead lately, giving clear signals of wild insanity that looked awesome to me but pretty suspicious to the rest of the world, like you know this fish out of the water before she dies? Flip-flap! Flip-flap! Flip-flap! Flip-flap!!! Flip... flap... flip... fl... p... f....................................
The sun keeps rising although you'll never find the string to pull it up and down at your wish.
Give thanks through your tears girl, like a good old pentecostal. Great is your mercy, great is your mercy, great is your mercy. Always give thanks.
Learning to just let yourself be is not easy when you're miserable, I mean seriously plain miserable. It would be easier to smile... and I've done it for a while. Now I'm just tired. "If I met me in the street I'd slap myself" someone said. Maybe because you have to come to terms with the fact that you're actually miserable... and that sucks. No-one can make you less miserable if you don't want to be, and that's a simple truth. But sometimes there are periods in which you just HAVE TO BE miserable, because there's no way you can get out of that pain if not "through" it, even when you try to numb it hitting brick walls...
So I kept myself company these days and painted, sipping this fantastic white wine and smoking my Dutch tobacco, listening to good music... but then what? It gets freaking boring!! And I get lonely man!! I mean I don't "need" anybody around in a needy way, but it's so much better when there is actually somebody!! I'm starting to understand people with pets. I really do understand them now, the need for company and unconditional affection... Being able to share the beauty of that evening sun and your candle light with something else... alive...
"La mamma, she feeds us..." they said, and that felt PRETTY DARN good! My heart almost exploded, and for a moment I was ageless and beautiful, gloriously fat and complete, I could see my grandchildren running in a beautiful garden. Then the guests all left too soon and the house was empty again. Me and that beautiful evening sun just for me, hence nobody.
I toast to my first true love, to the endless pain that softens my heart and proudly decorates my face with early wrinkles, to the girl-power girls and to the gentlemen who know when to offer you friendship. I toast to everything, ugly and beautiful, essentially human, like abuse, and mistakes, and the sins that keep me humble, disgusted at my miserable self, asking myself for forgiveness on my knees. My sexy, spotless, beautiful knees.